in the bible, angels have wings

I'm so done.

the problem is that he's in my group of friends, so i always have to act lovey dovey around him and i can never be myself with my friends, and this really annoys me. and i'm a lot smarter than he is.

i went and got drunk with someone else. i wanted to hook up with them. if i'm willing to cheat on herk, than maybe this isn't right.

I've never loved anyone in my whole life.

At least not romantically.

Except for a thousand unrequited crushes that I managed to fuck up and ruin. A thousand Peters and assorted other Jews who liked me and then didn't. I cried over them. I cry over everything, including silly movies and songs and thinking about my dog getting hit by a car. I cried over them and thought the world would stop spinning for my poor, sad, tortured soul. But it never did.

Only one boy has ever said I love you to me. He typed it over the internet the summer before 10th grade, and though before that I thought he was cool and fun, after that things were weird and awkward and I didn't go see Rent with him, even though I wanted to.

But I find myself wanting to text him to say i love you. The words want to come out of my mouth at random times. In the middle of a kiss I can feel them coming up, and I drown them out. He says I love you. He even says it sober now. I'm just scared.

He sent me a text last night, after I went to sleep.

"By the way. i missed you."

And I knew I loved him, cause I missed him too.

I think I love him.

My weekend in Berkeley was extremely fun.

Wednesday Night: drunk on the hilltop. went back to Sofia's and slept.

Thursday: Went to Javi's house..drank Coronas. Went to Sofia's and smoked. Took nap. Ate good Italian dinner.

Thursday Night: Blake's on Telegraph. Dancing. Drinking. Football players. Left to go to Joe Eisner's party. Drank shitty rum. He is adorable. Sofia was on Durant and I was on Dwight, and it took us like an hour to figure this out.

Friday: Cute boy came over to Bridget's. Spencer. Jacuzzid. Drank a lot of Skyy. Went to good sushi place with her family. Went to hookah bar. felt sick. went back to Bridget's to watch Amityville horror.

Saturday: woke up. got drunk off 40's. ought ticket from scalper to Cal game. Left game early because it was absolutely ridiculous. Feel bad for Joe Ayoob because even though he sucks...he's only a couple years older than us and I feel like enduring that much criticism has got to feel shitty. Went to Robin's house...jacuzzied. Went over to Tristan's befor volleyball game. Drank wine. Volleyball game was more exciting than the Cal game. Went back to Tristan's with Spencer and everyone. Drank more (LOTS) more wine and ate delicious Chinese food. Went to weird party Joe Eisner invited me to. Trippy co-op. Janisse brought weed candy bars. Stoned dancing. Fun

Sunday: ate good breakfast. headed home. studied for midterm. wrote 3/4 of paper. am bad student.

*knock knock*

me: where's herk?
thanh: he hasn't been home all night

figures.

the flower he gave me is sitting on my desk, and the trashcan is moved next to my bed in case I throw up. I can't remember if I did, and all I want to know is if he hooked up with someone else, because even though i say i'm not in love with him, I really am. I say I'm out, but I'm really in...so in it's embarassing. I need to stop doing this shit to myself.

I am on a rap binge. And Joan Osbourne. She rocks.

1.YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
taurus/aries or rabbit, depending on which zodiac

2. SINGLE OR TAKEN?
somewhere in between

3. IF TAKEN, BY WHO?
lederhosen

4. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SERiOUSLY HURT BY THE PERSON YOU LOVED?
i've never seriously loved anyone. well actually, by friends, yeah

5. WHAT WOULD BE YOUR REASON iF YOU TURNED SUICIDAL?
fear that my life will be ordinary

6. iS SUiCiDE REALLY KiLLiNG YOURSELF?
yes

7. PREFER COUNTRY OR CLASSiCAL?
i like both...i'm embarassing

8. PREFER CUTE/iDiOT OR SMART/UGLY?
smart/ugly. oh peter.


9. ARE YOU iN A STABLE RELATiONSHiP WiTH YOUR BF/GF/CRUSH
haha. i suppose

10. YOU`D EXPECT A TEXT MESSAGE USUALLY FROM:
i dunno. it used to be jeremy or reid or heidi

11. HAVE A BEST FRiEND THAT iS iN THE OPPOSiTE GENDER?
not bestie, but close


12. WHAT DO YOU LiKE DOiNG WHEN YOU`RE DEPRESSED?
listen to happy music, masturbate, sing, eat

13. CHEERFUL OR BORiNG?
these aren't mutually exclusive

14. DEmSCRiBE THE PERFECT DATE.
a real date, cause i've never been on a REAL date, where you dress nice and the guy picks you up and you go eat good italian food. but i dunno. some of my late night random-adventure dates were pretty fun, but i really want to go on a real date

15. EVER WONDERED WHY NOBODY KNOWS WHY THE SKY IS BLUE?
everyone knows why the sky is blue.

16. EVER BEEN HURT BY LOVE?
it's only when you love that you can be hurt

17. WiLL YOU EVER MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAiN?
yes. i'm not a fucking pavlov dog. i'm human

18. EVER HATED ANYONE ?
yes

19. DO YOU DO ANYTHiNG WHEN A PERSON BREAKS UP WiTH YOU AFTER ONE DAY?
i've never been broken up with

20. GiVE ONE WORD THAT BEST DESCRiBES WHAT YOU`RE FEELING RIGHT NOW
content

21. DO YOU BELIEVE In YOURSELF?
in theory, but in practice i'm too terrified of failure to try anything

22. EVER PHYSiCALLY HURT YOURSELF?
no. i'm too vain

23. EVER VERBALLY HURT YOURSELF?
every day

24. MOTTO IN LIFE:
if it hurts it's probably worth it.

26. HAVE YOU EVER HAD *EXTRA* FEELiNGS ABOUT A FRiEND FROM THE OPPOSiTE GENDER?
who hasnt

27. iF YES, WHAT DiD YOU DO ABOUT iT? iF NO, WHAT WOULD You?
got drunk and fucked them

28. iS FAME & MONEY THE MOST iMPORTANT THiNGS iN YOUR LiFE?
not money, but fame is important. i want to be known for something or other. i'm a drama kid, and at least i'm honest about being an attention whore

29. DO YOU MAKE ANY MOVEMENTS OR SOUNDS WHEN YOU`RE SLEEPiNG?
yeah!

30. ARE YOU DiFFiCULT TO WAKE UP?
no

31. HOW OFTEN DO YOU SLEEP?
depends. i either get up hella (oh my god, i said hella. the norcalians are rubbing off on me) early or really late

32. ARE YOU CONtenT WiTH THAt?
yeah. i heart naps

33. LAST, HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT YOU WERE PERFECT?
no.

34. WHO are THE PEOPLE THAT YOU REALLY LOVE AND YOU WILL DO ANYTHING FOR HIM/HER?
my family. even my mom and dad who i don't get along with. randy, my sister, my cousin. joe and ryan at home because they have my back 100%. natalie, cause she's like my best girlfriend at home. here...lederhosen, cause he takes care of me and throws out gross rotten pumpkins i don't want to touch. bridget and sofia because they are my girls.

I realised that there is no difference between me and anyone else. Why the fuck am I sitting around acting like I'm better than everyone else, and can do better and DESERVE better when I could have spent that time happy?

I don't deserve better. All I deserve is to be happy, and he makes me happy, so what the fuck am I doing.

I kept trying to beat Karen, because she has Tony, but then I realized I was driving myself crazy and who the fuck cares what Karen thinks, and I'm happy with L, and that's all that matters. I'm happy. And I don't care about beating anyone, and I shouldn't.

i got laid

i dont know why i thought doing it on the floor was a good idea

because now my back is all bruised and sore.

i really want to watch the movie pleasantville
matt gave me his extra ethernet cord so i can finally play phrase frenzy and have internet that doesn't take eight hours to load
lederhosen and i are avoiding eachother, and i don't mind being by myself a lot
i wrote two essays today.
how productive.
i also went to class
i am an amazing, productive, functioning college student
wow
i am listening to nick drake
i love him
i need to wash my face before bed, but i'd rather just use an oxy wipe
they had shredded flakes of parmasean cheese today
delicious

my roomate's side of the room looks like an ugly bed and breakfast
i mean seriously
i thought they had a law against chintz (sp?)
i took my contacts out cause they were bothering me
now i'm blind
not that blind, but it sucks
i want a cigarette, but i have self control now
i need sex
sex
sex
sex
sex
yeah. sex
i kind of have a crush on this other guy on my floor (not lederhosen, eew)
his names is wills
not will
willS
he likes all the same stuff as me
and is really laid back
i always get 'we like all the same stuff' crushes
he smokes a lot though
i still have not smoked
if you've been to santa cruz you know i am amazing
but i don't like smoking, so not really

i have this picture of karen and i up
even though i hate karen now
but because i look really good in it
like amazingly good-skin, red silky hair, big earrings, white teeth, perfect smile good
i wish there were more jewish guitar players here
that were way smarter than me
and treated me like shit
i mean, i know jeremy doesnt read this
but it'd be nice to be treated like shit again
lederhosen was too nice
my self esteem is unusually high





i have really eclectic taste in everything
i watched the godfather for the first time today
it was good
long though
i liked it
i thought al pacino was really sexy
maybe because he looked kind of jewish
and was a powerful asshole
yeah, that's probably it

i like these completely disconnected entries
cause i don't have to be articulate

anyway. no one reads this
but if you do
i love you
or maybe i hate you
either way
it's something.

So basically this is college.

Wake up on any given day at either 8 or 2, depending on if I have class, and if I'm going to go to said class. Showering in the handicap shower cause it's the only one with water pressure.

Eat pizza or nachos because they are the only things that don't make me want to vomit when I look at them.

Get more drunk than I should. Pass out early.

Watch college football. Read books and ignore coursework.

Leave the room when my roomate blasts horrible rap all fucking day and night.

No but seriously, I'm not jealous and I'm so happy and proud of myself.

I got sick of him, and he hooked up with someone else!

yay!!

I had an orgasm.

But it was completely attributed to my right hand.

Nothing more.

i can live with non exclusive kissing and cuddling.

i guess.

i'm going to fail my midterm because studying for it consisted of making a study guide, and then carefully folding it into cranes. maybe the learning was subliminal.

all i've done all weekend is watch lost. and give people mohawks.

we lost another one. he bet on the patriots, lederhosen bet on the broncos. ryan ended up getting a nice mohawk. his actually looks good.

i don't want to go to class. i'm tired and i want to curl up in bed. any other day i would. stupid midterm.

He doesn't try to do anything but makeout. I mean, i like making out. And sometimes I like making out and not going farther. But seriously, I haven't had an orgasm in like a month. And I wish he would want to grope me or at least like touch my breast or something.

Also he made pretty clear last night that this will nver ever be anything exclusive. Yet im still running headfirst into this situation of hurt.

I just gave someone a mohawk. Matt and Lederhosen got them too, but I only did JCs and Marks.

Now four guys on my floor have mohawks.

And I'm in love with one of them.

this might really be something.

i'm speaking too soon. i know it.

but it feels like it might.

might.

i made out with him.

it was and wasn't what i wanted and needed.

he was pretty wasted

he's a lower lip biter

he told me that he loved me

i told him he was drunk

it got really hot in his room so i left.

i just don't want stuff to get weird.